Introspection

The end of the year has me feeling nostalgic and the changes in relationships around me (and including my own) has me in an introspective mood. I'm a poly/kinky/dominant male, so this will obviously be from that perspective.

This has been a year of complete and total change and fluctuation for me. I hit the lowest of personal lows, but also had some incredible highs. I started out the year in a power exchange relationship with my wonderful partner, lost it (through my own bad decisions and probable minor depression), and now am working to regain it. I had relationships begin to blossom, then stall out. I went to some of the most amazing events and had  the most growth in my kink skills I have ever experienced to this point.

I go into the new year with new starts, second chances and a regained sense of self that has been missing for the better part of a year. The latter, I know, is the biggest contributor to the former ones. I am also blessed with the most supportive partner anyone could ask for. Her belief in me and continued insistence of my desirability have helped build the confidence to put myself out there and pursue new relationships and new opportunities.

Through all the hardships of the year the core of our relationship never left, but it was tested and battered by the storm of emotions around it. The core of all my relationships is trust, honesty and love. In the past I had a relationship that was tested and did not survive the failings of those things. I don't believe even for a second that the relationship failing was all my fault, but I should have done things differently. I betrayed a trust and was dishonest, but did my best to apologize, share my transgressions and try to rebuild the trust. Unfortunately both of us had different ideas about the relationship we wanted and the trust was unable to be restored. The resolution of the formal part of that relationship (even though it was mutually wanted) ended up testing me more than I thought it would. It left me emotionally raw, confidence shaken and wary to trust my own perceptions.

I’m thankful for and to the group of friends I have. The core holds for them as well. Honesty and trust are key for a strong friendship. Those we don’t trust are merely acquaintances. And I do love all my friends. Not romantically for all of them, but I don't personally think you can truly trust someone without opening yourself up to them and loving them in some way. These friends have been there for me. They have shared in these experiences and helped in their way when possible. As I (we) do for them. Some of them have been there from the beginning, some are new, but they all have earned our trust.

I have recently been given another chance to renew the power exchange dynamic with my partner. It is a very big leap of faith for her, and for me as well. I have failed and made so many mistakes in the past. But through communication and holding to that core our romantic relationship is stronger than ever and has enabled us to have the courage to try again. We are both fortunate to be experiencing new relationships and exploring the strengthening and growth of others. Communication is important, but you have to trust that your partner is communicating honestly and with love.

I am most likely not any person's idea of a picture of a dominant. I'm not tall, dark and handsome. I am not physically imposing, don't tend to be outgoing and don't talk at length about the things I am skilled in. I'm sadistic, but don't give off the obvious air of danger that most of these prototypical dominants do. I am unassuming, quiet and reserved. However, I do know myself well and what my strengths and failings are. I am honest, almost brutally so. I give absolute trust to a few people and they know they can trust me. I am slow to trust completely, but when I do trust you it is nearly absolute. I love. Much and generally openly. I have failings as well, and am open about those too.

The week of Christmas was a microcosm of the emotional storm I went through over the course of the year. Because of her absence during the holiday, I had an emotional low so deep it was physically evident to my friends. I also had some very intense and incredible times with new and evolving relationships. These moments served as staccato beats that only emphasized the depth of my love and desires for her. Our intimacy allows us to share ourselves with others even in the midst of redesigning and rebuilding our dynamic. Some of our friends were in need of openness and love and we opened our home, hearth and dungeon to them. We didn't even need to ask each other if it was an imposition (although we did, because, communication duh), it was the right and good thing to do. You help when you can, and we take great comfort and joy in being able to do so for those dear to us.

We communicate a lot. We make mistakes. We have miscommunications, but the fact that we absolutely trust each other and the knowledge that we will own up to our mistakes only strengthens the bonds we have. So even though the last year has been a roller coaster of record-setting proportions, I am more optimistic about the coming year than I have been about nearly any other in my life.

Blargh on the holidays

Dreary days. It has been some really odd weather the last few days. Overcast and no sun for almost 2 weeks now. It is really starting to wear on me, I think. It has added a dark tint to thoughts and thinking about the upcoming holiday.

This one is going to be tough. My girl is going back to her mom's for a week over the holiday and I have my kids off and on during that time taking them back to their mother on Christmas Day. My thoughts have gotten melancholy especially when I think of last Christmas and how badly that experience affected me and our relationship. Having had a lot of time pass since then, I think there was a great combination of things that combined to worsen my thoughts on it.

The fact that I had okayed an interaction that was enjoyed, I was more than fine with. But when I found out things were done that I had not been informed would happen I was upset. They were the parts she was surprised were approved and almost ended the scene over but continued because she assumed I had consented to them. I was angry they had been done without my being informed as well. I probably would have given my okay if I had known about them, but the fact they were done and were probably the most physically dangerous aspect of the scene really upset me. I think the piece that really did the most damage, however, was her defense of the act as being okay because she trusted him, nothing bad had happened, and that he didn't okay it because he probably assumed that I would infer it would happen because he uses it in those types of scenes. That part really stabbed me in the gut. Not the trust, because I can't control who she trusts, but the fact she defended him and saw nothing really wrong even though he had gone against my wishes and broken the trust that I had given him by me as her dominant.

At the time it was impactful, but I think the undercurrent of that continued on and partly undermined the D/s relationship going forward. It took looking back this week to see just how much of an impact that had on me and our relationship. I lost something pretty important that I am struggling to pin down. Partly trust that my wishes were paramount, partly the continued blind trust she puts in him even though he has broken my trust several times in the past, or at least stretched it to as far as it could be stretched. And a big part of it was excusing the behavior and defending him because "that's the way he is."

So these thoughts on top of spending the holiday alone, Christmas gifts getting delivered to the wrong address and possibly not being found, the weather, an important (to me) piece of jewelry breaking, and the lack of knowledge I have about her plans for the next week are combining to create quite a negative thought pattern. I would say at least I have a break from work coming up, but that just means I will have less things to keep me busy and distracted.

Science, I could really use a night of beating someone.

Moving day

This weekend was moving weekend. We spent the whole day on Friday combining two apartments into one house. It is definitely something to be excited about, but was a lot of hard work. Then the unpacking began and even more work.

It became quickly evident that we weren't in sync on how to go about this task. I wanted to get the whole thing done relatively quickly. We have a few busy weekends ahead of us and house guests coming in a few weeks. She was not nearly as pressed to get everything done. We were both feeling a bit of stress about all the changes, and she has many more than I to adjust to. When I am stressed working with my hands and getting tasks done helps me stay focused and lets my mind just work through the stress. She wants to just shut down. There have been a lot of little conflicts and differences of opinion which just feeds her mental state.

I've really been feeling the lack of power exchange and knew that had we had it there would have been much more acceptance of things and her mental mood would have been helped some at least. We are still working at things and introducing little rituals and things into our everyday lives that I hope will become part of the foundation for what grounds us into our relationship. I thought about introducing the idea of moving into D/s for the weekend to try to help, but it seemed to me like her mood was off and it wouldn't have been effective. Things came a bit to a head last night and we had a discussion about the weekend and what was going on with our headspaces and the concerns and thoughts we were having because neither of us was where we wanted to be. I brought up the thought of adding it in and she agreed that it would probably not be helpful and could make things worse at this point in time. I knew this was correct, but it still took some effort to not press a bit and try it to at least try it. I knew that if it didn't work it would set us back even farther and would require exponentially more effort to rebuild again, if at all. Sometimes it is better to use restraint rather that just jumping forward with what you want to do.

I'm hopeful that once we get things mostly settled and get into more routine things, we can do some focus on us. Do some good solid kink time and work on adding in more power exchange. At the very least getting out the rope and working on our connection with that some more.

Structure v. Love

"People have to make a choice over what comes first. The problem is when one person has one set of priorities different from the other."-Flagg

I have started listening to archives of the Erotic Awakenings Podcast on the drive in to work since so little of the talk radio in the morning appeals anymore. I am still listening to the very early episodes, and in Episode 10 they are talking with Flagg about many different things, but one part is contracts and power exchange and he said the above quote in the discussion. What is the priority for both parties? When push comes to shove and there is a conflict, will love be chosen over structure or will structure be chosen? His argument and one that I agree with, mostly, is that if one partner values structure over love they will see the actions of the other party as conflicting with what they desire. And vice versa.

I agree with this, but what happens when it begins one way, and it shifts? This is what happened to me over the last year as I began having greater and stronger feelings of love for my girl. She still desired structure and I wanted to give it, but there were so many things outside of our relationship that were taking vast amounts of time and energy to deal with I was uanble to give it the focus that was required. So after a few discussion and finally admitting to myself I was not able to give the power exchange aspects of our relationship the time and attention it needed, I chose to give the focus to our romantic relationship. It was incredibly painful for both of us, and it is something we are still recovering from and may not recover fully. But, I still think it was the best decision at the time and would have resulted in more hurt, anger and disappointment had we not taken a step back.

Things have started to come back in bits and pieces. We have had several successful evenings of power exchange that I am confident we have both enjoyed, appreciated and needed. We are not to the point of going into 24/7 and won't be for a very long time yet, but the interactions don't feel forced and feel like we are slipping back into our "natural" roles. Time will tell if it continues, but there is hope and it is more than fleeting for the first time in a very long while.

Coffee is life

Saturday morning without the kids around is a time for relaxing and often cuddles. I had woken up early like I usually do, or at least lately. I had gone out to get on the computer to kill time until my girl woke up for the day and she had woken up shortly after I. She was not ready to get up for the day and was going back to bed. I went with her to choose and get her back to sleep.

We had been laying there got a few minutes and she was headed back to sleep. She sat up suddenly and got out of bed, surprising me. I was unsure what was going on as she usually heads to sleep and there was nothing urgent. Shortly after I heard the coffee pot getting filled. She hadn't gotten my coffee ready the night before because we were planning on sleeping in. Coffee is her service that she always does for me regardless of if we are in an active power exchange. She gets actively upset if I make the coffee unless she is ill or incapacitated in some way. I have even noticed she gets a little upset if I have prepared my coffee pot for the next morning and she arrives unexpectedly to stay over.

Thinking of this and being so concerned about making sure I had this little comfort waiting for me is one of the things that makes this girl so special. And so loved. And one of the reasons I am striving to restore a dynamic for us so she can feel comfortable in service, or more appropriately, so I am more comfortable in receiving it.

The journey continues

Have had a really good couple of weeks. Some legal matters have been finalized (yay for being legally unmarried, finally!) and preparations are underway to move into a new house with my girl. It will be nice to just have a home to go to, rather than spending time going between two different places.

Have had some good progress on the return of power exchange to our relationship. We have had 4 nights of D/s in the last two weeks, and bits of it are seeping over even into the days we aren't "officially" doing it. It feels good to be back to feeling more like myself. And the interactions feel more "normal" than a traditional relationship. It always feels a bit like we are trying to force it if we are actively trying to make sure there is no power dynamic going on in our decision making and discussions of mundane items.

Been smoking more cigars, which is nice, but I keep thinking I should slow it down a little bit. It is an expensive habit and feels almost too indulgent. Not a lot of kink going on, but we have done a bit of rough body stuff. (And hair pulling, choking and biting are always a part of our love life.) Discovered a fondness for kicking in my girl. Gets her very wet. My leather shoes have a very nice lustre to them the day after they have been tongue washed following a good round of cunt-kicking. :)

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

The other day I had a rather great milestone that I had been looking forward to occurring for the better part of 6 months. I signed a lease with my wonderful partner and for the first time in our 2 year relationship (nearly one as primary partners) we will truly be living under the same roof. This has come about despite misgivings, questions by some friends, and the fact that I have children from a previous relationship that will be spending a significant amount of time with us and she never wants to have or ever imagined she would be living with kids. I was a little bit nervous, but mainly excited about the new place that we had found and at one point thought we had lost to another renter.

When that was finished we cooked a nice meal at her place and enjoyed a couple bottles of wine while eating and then I had an online meeting for a little over an hour. We started into a third bottle and began discussing some things...her upcoming date with a new guy she was excited about, rope group, and then for some reason I brought up our lased D/s and the thoughts on it coming back and the work we had been doing on it. I was getting frustrated because it seemed like the conversation was going in circles and was just a rehash of the same discussion we had the last couple times. This was partly due, I'm sure to some clouded thinking because after three bottles of wine split between two people in a 2 hour span who is really thinking clearly? Then it was like someone flipped a switch and I was done. I was angry at the frustration, angry that the conversation was going nowhere and angry that suddenly I felt like I had gone from pleasantly drinking to having had too much and intoxicated. Blargh. It was so bad, I got up walked into the bedroom and announced I was going to bed. I responded to her timid "Do you want me to join you?" with an of course if you want...but I knew I was just going to be asleep in very short order.

Slept restlessly and awoke after about 5 hours of sleep at a little after 4 in the morning and was furious. Angry at myself. Still angry about the inability to grasp a thought or idea that she thought was over-explained and should be brilliantly clear and I couldn't grasp. Angry that this thing which I could see and seemingly understand could not be grasped in a quantifiable way. I was angry that I couldn't get back to sleep. Angry at myself for my mixed feelings about my partner's date and the message she received that it might be cancelled. Angry that I had been awoken by my pillow being pulled on even though she was completely asleep.

I got out of bed after 2 hours of laying there getting angrier and angrier because of the negative feedback loop.  I took a shower, drank some coffee and began getting dressed. I stopped and tried to figure out what was really making me so angry. And realized that this was not helping. We have a little ritual. Not a big one, not a protocol, not D/s. I wake before her nearly always. When my alarm goes off, it wakes her up and she cuddles into my side and rests her head on my shoulder and I just snuggle her close until her alarm goes off about a half hour later to wake her up. When it is just the two of us, we rarely miss it unless one of us needs to be at work incredibly early, and even then we try to do it for at least a few minutes. And here I was out of bed and already showered and had shut my alarm off before it sounded. And I was still angry. She woke up when her alarm went off and realized I wasn't in bed. Knowing something was wrong she asked where I went. I crawled back into bed and held her but she could tell I was tense.

I tried to explain and in free flowing spurts told her how I was angry and everything seemed to be adding to it. I just held her and stroked her hair while I did this. It helped. It was the switch that allowed me to begin getting past the anger and move on. I wasn't myself when I left for work, but I was out of the negative loop and getting back to it. Even though she just listened, it was more than enough. Is it any wonder I love her more than any other?

I can't wait to truly start our life together.

Going Away to Find your Home

Took a nice little trip this weekend. Lots of time in the car, lot of time when it was really just us. Great re-connecting. We didn't even have to be talking a lot of the time. Just knowing she was there, I could reach out and squeeze her hand or stroke her thigh. We both really needed this with all of the dynamic issues we had and the thoughts of if/when it could or would be started up again.

Just us. A couple having fun. No kids, no real demands. Sleep in, cuddle, watch TV (or not). Go for a wander in a wonderful city. Enjoy finds of good food, good drink, good smoke and some good kink. Our connectedness had improved over the last couple weeks, but it wasn't until the weekend was drawing to a close, and really some today, that we both (or I at least) realized how far it still hadn't. This weekend really brought that level up.

It was good to have a nice kinky demo with a relaxed atmosphere away from people who knew us (and thought they knew our kinks well). No expectations, no reputations to live up to. Just enjoying a great presentation, smiling, laughing and getting kinky with a group where many people had no ideas of experience levels or what they had ever done (or hadn't). And the demo. Rough play. MMM. There is nothing I find more enjoyable than some hands on rough play. Except maybe rope, but that is very hands on and intimate as well.

There is just something about feeling exactly how their body is responding under your slap, hold, punch, or poke. The minute adjustments, increases in frequency or force. Completely energized (and a bit frustrated...goddamn that was a lot of foreplay with a very long delay before consummation) and put us both in a very happy space.

Hopefully riding this wave for a good long while. :)

The Lure of Hedonism

This summer has been full of more challenges than I think I have ever been faced with in my life. So many things that I thought were headed in a positive direction reversed and went about as badly as they could. I had one real highlight in the summer. The relationship with my girl. And even that had several things go awry. :/

I don't know for certain, but it is entirely possible I was mildly depressed. There were certainly enough things around to cause it. I lacked motivation, and was not nearly my normal self. My exercise routine slipped and a lot of the things I had worked so hard for the last several years started not getting the attention they should have. The reasons for doing so were valid and most troubling, even logical. I have a great girlfriend and many pleasures we enjoy together: wine, hookah, cigars, rope and sex. 

The great hedonistic pleasures of the flesh. The allure was palpable. With all this other stuff going on, why would I want to spend one less minute than necessary with the love of my life doing things we greatly enjoyed doing. Looking back, it was the poisoned apple offered from the Tree. Discipline and self-motivation were the two things I had always had and allowed me to face down any obstacle and reset when things went badly. The only difference this time was the magnitude. I faltered, and was a little afraid. With all the other things going on, the things I was losing, I didn't want to risk losing the best good thing I had. 

And that is the trap. When you don't risk, you don't gain. It was a hard lesson, and an anguishing one mentally. Now it is physically as well. I am just starting over again. The physical helps my mental and emotional. The discipline to do the things I did, being in shape, taking on physical obstacles, helped my focus with everything else. I felt great in my body; the endorphins kept my moods level and high; and I slept and ate better and my mental focus was the best it had been in years. I have only just restarted, and I can already sense a difference. I just need to keep the focus and discipline to avoid the traps again.

The hedonistic pleasures are fine, and I still look forward to enjoying them greatly. But only when I take them and grab them for myself. Not when they are offered with a smile, wink and because it is the easy option. The sweetest fruit is that at the top of the tree that you have to climb and reach for, not the ones laying in easy reach on the ground. And the pursuit is often it's own reward.

Here there be dragons...

Serpents, vipers, the original wyrms of old. Something I thought I had wrapped my head around, gotten over, and put firmly in the past. All evidence tonight says I have not yet slayed that demon.

My thoughts were momentarily stopped today, or this afternoon to be precise. One short sentence. Two words. A name followed by "here". I read it in the text and instantly felt the adrenalin flood into my system. My skin went cold and clammy, the hairs on my neck bristling. How is it that one name immediately kicks in my automatic response? There is a bit of history, to be sure, but that was quite a while ago and a heck of a lot has happened since then.

Normally, I don't get jealous. I have no problem when my girl is out with others. Or plays with others. And I'm not certain this is really jealousy. It kicks in without any thought. I don't want to fight him, attack him, or do anything to him. In my mind, I want to just not get annoyed when I hear his name or hear about things he has done. But my instincts and body are different. And it only kicks in when it is about my girl. When I hear about him with others, it is fine, no problems at all. But when it is her it still triggers my need and desires to protect me and mine.

I don't trust him. At all. She does. And that bothers me. They go back a long time and have been friends, lovers and even former romantic partners. He respects her and her judgment in all things except her choices in boyfriends, with me at the top of the list. He has never respected our relationship and even when she was wearing my collar would only acknowledge it because she did. Or so it seemed to me.

He broke what little trust I had for him the last time she visited him several months ago. It didn't bother her nearly as badly because she trusts him and he followed the rules she had given him. She thinks it was just a miscommunication. I really have trouble believing it. And still haven't gotten completely over it. At the time, I said he would never play with her again as long as she was Mine until he had taken steps to make amends and try to earn back some trust.

But now we are on a break from our power exchange, and she has been needing and wanting it. And more intensely than I had been giving it even before our break. It is the exact type of dynamic that he excels at and they had done and explored before we met and when our relationship was new. So how could I say no? The dynamic is on hold, and saying no to spending time with a friend and getting something she needs and desires seems especially selfish and cruel. But my head has been spiraling in ever widening circles of mayhem, doubt, exasperation, fear, envy and; cruelly, loathing for feeling them in the first place.

So, she is out with a man she likes a lot, with the exact type of dynamic she desires.  Someone who trips every submissive switch she has and usually within minutes has her desiring to submit and falling into their old rules almost without a thought. A man who dislikes me so much he barely acknowledges I'm part of her life, or did for awhile. (Perhaps that has changed, I don't actually know.) Who she has kept as a close friend and has heard all of the struggles, trials and negative things we have been going through the last few months. All her fears and doubts about us and our relationship. And at one of the most vulnerable points in our relationship, shows up in town, unannounced, to surprise her. It surprised both of us. There are real and legitimate reasons for it, and I think perhaps he really did want to just surprise her with his arrival. But I cannot help but recall how I instantly identified his ability to manipulate others, her included, and her often blind spot to his machinations when it comes to her. And I know he would like nothing better than for her to leave me and give him the opportunity to take her.

I am confident in our relationship and our love. But there are so many sacrifices she makes for it. More than anyone could reasonably ask. I know she wishes it were easier, and easier for me to give her the dynamic she needs. And I want to. There is nothing else I have ever wanted more. But I was not in a place to give it to her properly, we both knew it, and our styles are not the same so there will have to be more compromises if we are to make it work. I would change if I could, but it is a slow process and I am still working to reawaken old, long-buried impulses and skills, while trying to repair things that have gone awry.

I hate writing this, but it helps. I know she (you) will read it. I know you know that I love you, I trust you, and want you to know you have done nothing to cause this. I am endeavoring to accept your trust of him and hope that it is enough for me to resolve this conflict with myself towards him. If nothing else, I have to admire his taste in partners.

This is rambling and incomplete, but it is what I have swirling through my thoughts. I am tired of reacting, responding to what is going on. I can only do what I have set out to do and continue moving towards my goal as well as I can, but I am missing intensely calling you mi da'covale and desire greatly to be able to do so again.

*sigh*

Got busy. Got a little lazy. Was on vacation and dealing with stuff. Evidently didn't go fast enough, quick enough, although it seemed time was flying by.

"Power exchange is equality of expectations. Sir." -Maestro Stefanos

At the heart of it, this is where the majority of the issues with power exchange come from. If the expectations of timing, form, format, and many other things aren't in sync, things go out of whack. Even with communication, and being with someone who "gets" me better than nearly anyone I've ever been with, there are still many areas where this is still being discovered. I find something interesting, I start taking about it. Trying to get more info, judge reactions, see if it is with investing time and effort into exploring further. Others investigate on their own to find out and don't bring it up unless they are certain they want to do it. This is a breakdown in communication, a point where expectations are not in line. I don't know how much damage this has done, but more than I want, and perhaps more than can be fixed.

But it is a bit more understanding. And communication. So there is hope. And a motivation.

Thy Will Be Done

Willpower. When it comes down to what really happens in power exchange, the will of the dominant overrules the will of the submissive. Either through a desire by the submissive to do so or because the will of the dominant is stronger or a combination of the two. This is obviously a bit simplistic, but it holds true.

When you have an especially strong willed submissive, you often have to prove and re-prove that you have the will, desire, and are deserving to be served.When your willpower flags, the other areas also suffer. If you are asking someone to submit, to execute your desires, they will be hesitant if you don't have the willpower to do the things you have said or indicated you would. This doesn't mean it will all end if you have a flagging moment or two...skip a day at the gym or eat that jelly donut instead of the protein bar for breakfast. But if you do it often, it will definitely impact your ability to lead.

This holds especially true if your desire to enforce an area of the P/E is what flags. These relationships require diligence and hinge upon controlling the actions and behaviors of the submissive, if you lose attention or interest in this they will feel neglected and hurt that you are not performing your role. As mentioned in an earlier post , it often isn't what you do, but what you don't do that ends up hurting the relationship.

If there are things that are impacting your sense of self and your willpower, as can happen due to stress, injury or fatigue; it is important you communicate this to your submissive. Just as you would expect her to communicate with you if there is something that will impair their ability to do the things you ask and require of them. Willpower is key part of motivation and when it is lacking it can be difficult to stay attentive and to do the things you want and need to do.

I recently went through a very large conglomeration of events outside of my P/E that are taking an enormous amount of effort, time and attention to work through. All of this sapped my energy and willpower to do the things for me that were important: exercise, eat right, sleep enough, and pay proper care and attention to my P/E. Things begin to look bleak as you see things you care about not getting done, and it is a massive effort to try to work on getting things back on track. Hopefully while there is still time to repair the damage rather than trying to start over and rebuild completely.

Remember, your will drives the relationship, if it flags the relationship suffers. Stay vigilant and attentive to try and keep it from declining too much.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

This last year, short of having major medical issues with myself or a loved one, has been one of the worst a person could have. Financial, filial, and familial...if it could go wrong it has. These have been balanced against some really excellent high points as well. But, there are times when the bad outweighs the good. Couple this with sacrificing things that I should never sacrifice because of lack of times really clouds my judgement. It also can lead me to what I can only call minor depression or temporary despair. I make really stupid judgments in times like this. I say what I think and mean at the time, but if my mind was clear and thoughts weren't so down I would never actually seriously consider.

I think I need a cooling off period before/between discussions. A chance to say what is on my mind, but a few days to make sure that is what I really want/mean before a decision is made. Especially when it comes to relationship matters/negotiations/beginnings and endings. I made a really stupid mistake with a decision this weekend, that I would give damn near anything to have back. It should never have happened. At the time it was said and done, it was the truth. And it probably still is. But the wound is deep, throbbing and a constant reminder.

I should never have been in the position to begin with. I am a better person when I take care of myself first. We all are, actually. But, as many of us do, I put others and other things before taking care of what I am beginning to see as an actual need for myself. Sacrificing time that I should be putting to myself for the benefit of my job, side business, exes, and current relationships. Sure, those things needed to be done. The time was not ill-spent. But, had I kept the time for myself these last several months I would have been much better off. Some of those things maybe would have slipped a little bit, but the fact that I would have been personally better would have allowed me to make better decisions and deal with repercussions much more reliably.

I need to learn to say no to others better. Or at least to say I need to do this first, then I will see about you. Exercise is the key for me. I spent the better part of two years getting myself into shape for the first time in my life a few years ago. I was in better physical shape than I ever had been, which in turn helped me be sharper mentally, and better able to deal with many different transitions emotionally. In the last year I have sacrificed my exercise time to run errands, make sure I had more time for work, did this "urgent" thing for work, spend time with my girl. Looking back all of things would have been done. Some would have been a little late, true, but I would have been better prepared to get back ahead of them if I was at my best. And I may have had a little less time with my loved ones, but the quality of the time would have been so much better. I would have had more energy, been happier, and less prone to self-doubt.

Do what it is needed to take care of yourself first, then your energy is better spent with others after. There is nothing that cannot wait. And things will be better for it.

It's not what's done wrong, but what's not done at all

Even though I am pretty competent at the things I try to do, I screw up. A lot. Especially at the beginning, most definitely when it is something that is new to me. We call this learning. Usually, I am very good at learning new things and catch on pretty quickly. There are some areas though that, for some reason, I don't. I can't always predict which areas of life or kink those will be either. And it has virtually nothing to do with my interest in doing it. Whether it is a mental block, fatigue, eye-hand coordination, or some combination of all of those and perhaps others I struggle.

When it is just me, or something that just affects me, I have no problem trying over and over again until I work through whatever I am not succeeding in, or if I do not really have a great interest in it I just quit and move on to something else. A couple of examples: Video games..I am pretty good at strategy and world-building games but am horrible at first person shooters or any game that requires a rapid sequence of buttons or toggles to be pressed in just the right order or at just the right time. Eye-hand coordination is not my forte. So, I don't play the latter and get great pleasure from the former. In kink, it would be rope. I love rope. I run into the same issues with eye-hand coordination as I do with video games. But, I enjoy it enough that I am willing to keep trying and tying over and over again until I can get the ties and knots to work and build enough muscle memory and coordination to overcome my lack of natural talent in that area. It can be frustrating when others learn faster, but not enough to completely discourage me.

When it involves my interaction with others however, those failures loom in my mind. They shake my confidence and self-center and can be crippling if there are a few (or several) in a row. If a scene doesn't go as planned, if I cause pain in a way that wasn't intended, or a scene gets ended early; it weighs on me. It makes me hesitant to try again, to get back on the horse as they say. It is a negative feedback loop that is very hard for me to shake myself out of at times.

However, there are worse things that I do. Even if a scene doesn't go perfectly or gets ended early, it was still a scene. There was probably still some enjoyment, some success in the attempt. Where I truly fail is the intentions. I hint at or say I may do things, sometimes playfully, often without thinking. Or worse, say I intend to so something and then the time arrives and for some reason or other do not follow through. Sometimes the occasion is overwhelming and I should have known ahead of time there would be too many things going on. Other times I am tired or mentally drained and know it would not go as planned (and knowing my anathema to failure it seems better to not try than try and have a good chance of limited success). And, every once in a while, I just forget.

That is the real power exchange killer. The build-up with no follow through. On occasion it would be okay, especially if there was a concrete time set to follow-up on it. Too often and it makes it difficult to trust that what is said will be acted upon. Consistency with intent is key. Don't say it unless you mean it, and if you mean it make damn sure you do it. There is no partial credit, there are no ribbons for participation; but showing up and putting in some effort at least shows you intended to do it much better than not trying at all.

Service before self-sufficiency.

One of the key areas of a power exchange relationship is service by the submissive. I enjoy being served, I really do. It is very pleasant to be waited on hand and foot and have things done for me. Having my meals prepared for me, refreshments delivered.

But this is a problem area for me as well. I get great satisfaction from being very self-sufficient and doing as many things as possible myself when I am able to do so. I am in the habit of just doing things. If I am thirsty and not engrossed in something...get up and get a drink from the fridge. This has led to some serious unintentional undermining of the dynamic. How can she serve if there is no service to be delivered?

It is something I struggle with, but now that it has been brought (again) to my attention, I intend to work to rectify this. I trust her. I love her service. If I tell her to do something, I know it will get done. I just have to let go of the impulse to do it myself. Oddly, to me, she provided great examples in discussion this weekend where in a group or among other friends I have very little difficulty in giving it up. I evidently have a habit when out with others or around others of making the request just fine and then getting back to whatever else I was doing, assuming it would be done. Which is as it should be. I just was not consciously aware of how often I did it. Perhaps the distraction of being around others was enough to override the desire to just do it myself. 

I just have to remember to do it when alone. When the service can be appreciated more. We both know I can do it myself. That is part of what makes the service rewarding. By trusting her to get it done as well, or in many cases better, I am allowing her to serve and showing I know she is capable and deserving to do so.

Just one of the many things in my perception that needs constant minding to be aware. She serves by choice, rewarded through that ability to serve, and when I take away the ability/need for service, I diminish the capacity to do so and the power exchange that is needed and desired in the relationship. Continued service is rewarding; but if there is no way to serve, there is no reward.

Starting up (again)

So, I haven't actually recorded anything here for years. Just published some stories recently. (And by recently, I mean 18 months ago). A friend has recently restarted her blog, so I thought I would go ahead and give some of my thoughts here. We shall see how much time I have to put things here. It will probably end up being the random ramblings of the journey in BDSM that I am on. :) Science knows, I could use someplace to put my thoughts so I can start getting some clarity and order at times.