Introspection

The end of the year has me feeling nostalgic and the changes in relationships around me (and including my own) has me in an introspective mood. I'm a poly/kinky/dominant male, so this will obviously be from that perspective.

This has been a year of complete and total change and fluctuation for me. I hit the lowest of personal lows, but also had some incredible highs. I started out the year in a power exchange relationship with my wonderful partner, lost it (through my own bad decisions and probable minor depression), and now am working to regain it. I had relationships begin to blossom, then stall out. I went to some of the most amazing events and had  the most growth in my kink skills I have ever experienced to this point.

I go into the new year with new starts, second chances and a regained sense of self that has been missing for the better part of a year. The latter, I know, is the biggest contributor to the former ones. I am also blessed with the most supportive partner anyone could ask for. Her belief in me and continued insistence of my desirability have helped build the confidence to put myself out there and pursue new relationships and new opportunities.

Through all the hardships of the year the core of our relationship never left, but it was tested and battered by the storm of emotions around it. The core of all my relationships is trust, honesty and love. In the past I had a relationship that was tested and did not survive the failings of those things. I don't believe even for a second that the relationship failing was all my fault, but I should have done things differently. I betrayed a trust and was dishonest, but did my best to apologize, share my transgressions and try to rebuild the trust. Unfortunately both of us had different ideas about the relationship we wanted and the trust was unable to be restored. The resolution of the formal part of that relationship (even though it was mutually wanted) ended up testing me more than I thought it would. It left me emotionally raw, confidence shaken and wary to trust my own perceptions.

I’m thankful for and to the group of friends I have. The core holds for them as well. Honesty and trust are key for a strong friendship. Those we don’t trust are merely acquaintances. And I do love all my friends. Not romantically for all of them, but I don't personally think you can truly trust someone without opening yourself up to them and loving them in some way. These friends have been there for me. They have shared in these experiences and helped in their way when possible. As I (we) do for them. Some of them have been there from the beginning, some are new, but they all have earned our trust.

I have recently been given another chance to renew the power exchange dynamic with my partner. It is a very big leap of faith for her, and for me as well. I have failed and made so many mistakes in the past. But through communication and holding to that core our romantic relationship is stronger than ever and has enabled us to have the courage to try again. We are both fortunate to be experiencing new relationships and exploring the strengthening and growth of others. Communication is important, but you have to trust that your partner is communicating honestly and with love.

I am most likely not any person's idea of a picture of a dominant. I'm not tall, dark and handsome. I am not physically imposing, don't tend to be outgoing and don't talk at length about the things I am skilled in. I'm sadistic, but don't give off the obvious air of danger that most of these prototypical dominants do. I am unassuming, quiet and reserved. However, I do know myself well and what my strengths and failings are. I am honest, almost brutally so. I give absolute trust to a few people and they know they can trust me. I am slow to trust completely, but when I do trust you it is nearly absolute. I love. Much and generally openly. I have failings as well, and am open about those too.

The week of Christmas was a microcosm of the emotional storm I went through over the course of the year. Because of her absence during the holiday, I had an emotional low so deep it was physically evident to my friends. I also had some very intense and incredible times with new and evolving relationships. These moments served as staccato beats that only emphasized the depth of my love and desires for her. Our intimacy allows us to share ourselves with others even in the midst of redesigning and rebuilding our dynamic. Some of our friends were in need of openness and love and we opened our home, hearth and dungeon to them. We didn't even need to ask each other if it was an imposition (although we did, because, communication duh), it was the right and good thing to do. You help when you can, and we take great comfort and joy in being able to do so for those dear to us.

We communicate a lot. We make mistakes. We have miscommunications, but the fact that we absolutely trust each other and the knowledge that we will own up to our mistakes only strengthens the bonds we have. So even though the last year has been a roller coaster of record-setting proportions, I am more optimistic about the coming year than I have been about nearly any other in my life.