Serpents, vipers, the original wyrms of old. Something I thought I had wrapped my head around, gotten over, and put firmly in the past. All evidence tonight says I have not yet slayed that demon.
My thoughts were momentarily stopped today, or this afternoon to be precise. One short sentence. Two words. A name followed by "here". I read it in the text and instantly felt the adrenalin flood into my system. My skin went cold and clammy, the hairs on my neck bristling. How is it that one name immediately kicks in my automatic response? There is a bit of history, to be sure, but that was quite a while ago and a heck of a lot has happened since then.
Normally, I don't get jealous. I have no problem when my girl is out with others. Or plays with others. And I'm not certain this is really jealousy. It kicks in without any thought. I don't want to fight him, attack him, or do anything to him. In my mind, I want to just not get annoyed when I hear his name or hear about things he has done. But my instincts and body are different. And it only kicks in when it is about my girl. When I hear about him with others, it is fine, no problems at all. But when it is her it still triggers my need and desires to protect me and mine.
I don't trust him. At all. She does. And that bothers me. They go back a long time and have been friends, lovers and even former romantic partners. He respects her and her judgment in all things except her choices in boyfriends, with me at the top of the list. He has never respected our relationship and even when she was wearing my collar would only acknowledge it because she did. Or so it seemed to me.
He broke what little trust I had for him the last time she visited him several months ago. It didn't bother her nearly as badly because she trusts him and he followed the rules she had given him. She thinks it was just a miscommunication. I really have trouble believing it. And still haven't gotten completely over it. At the time, I said he would never play with her again as long as she was Mine until he had taken steps to make amends and try to earn back some trust.
But now we are on a break from our power exchange, and she has been needing and wanting it. And more intensely than I had been giving it even before our break. It is the exact type of dynamic that he excels at and they had done and explored before we met and when our relationship was new. So how could I say no? The dynamic is on hold, and saying no to spending time with a friend and getting something she needs and desires seems especially selfish and cruel. But my head has been spiraling in ever widening circles of mayhem, doubt, exasperation, fear, envy and; cruelly, loathing for feeling them in the first place.
So, she is out with a man she likes a lot, with the exact type of dynamic she desires. Someone who trips every submissive switch she has and usually within minutes has her desiring to submit and falling into their old rules almost without a thought. A man who dislikes me so much he barely acknowledges I'm part of her life, or did for awhile. (Perhaps that has changed, I don't actually know.) Who she has kept as a close friend and has heard all of the struggles, trials and negative things we have been going through the last few months. All her fears and doubts about us and our relationship. And at one of the most vulnerable points in our relationship, shows up in town, unannounced, to surprise her. It surprised both of us. There are real and legitimate reasons for it, and I think perhaps he really did want to just surprise her with his arrival. But I cannot help but recall how I instantly identified his ability to manipulate others, her included, and her often blind spot to his machinations when it comes to her. And I know he would like nothing better than for her to leave me and give him the opportunity to take her.
I am confident in our relationship and our love. But there are so many sacrifices she makes for it. More than anyone could reasonably ask. I know she wishes it were easier, and easier for me to give her the dynamic she needs. And I want to. There is nothing else I have ever wanted more. But I was not in a place to give it to her properly, we both knew it, and our styles are not the same so there will have to be more compromises if we are to make it work. I would change if I could, but it is a slow process and I am still working to reawaken old, long-buried impulses and skills, while trying to repair things that have gone awry.
I hate writing this, but it helps. I know she (you) will read it. I know you know that I love you, I trust you, and want you to know you have done nothing to cause this. I am endeavoring to accept your trust of him and hope that it is enough for me to resolve this conflict with myself towards him. If nothing else, I have to admire his taste in partners.
This is rambling and incomplete, but it is what I have swirling through my thoughts. I am tired of reacting, responding to what is going on. I can only do what I have set out to do and continue moving towards my goal as well as I can, but I am missing intensely calling you mi da'covale and desire greatly to be able to do so again.
