I don't know for certain, but it is entirely possible I was mildly depressed. There were certainly enough things around to cause it. I lacked motivation, and was not nearly my normal self. My exercise routine slipped and a lot of the things I had worked so hard for the last several years started not getting the attention they should have. The reasons for doing so were valid and most troubling, even logical. I have a great girlfriend and many pleasures we enjoy together: wine, hookah, cigars, rope and sex.
The great hedonistic pleasures of the flesh. The allure was palpable. With all this other stuff going on, why would I want to spend one less minute than necessary with the love of my life doing things we greatly enjoyed doing. Looking back, it was the poisoned apple offered from the Tree. Discipline and self-motivation were the two things I had always had and allowed me to face down any obstacle and reset when things went badly. The only difference this time was the magnitude. I faltered, and was a little afraid. With all the other things going on, the things I was losing, I didn't want to risk losing the best good thing I had.
And that is the trap. When you don't risk, you don't gain. It was a hard lesson, and an anguishing one mentally. Now it is physically as well. I am just starting over again. The physical helps my mental and emotional. The discipline to do the things I did, being in shape, taking on physical obstacles, helped my focus with everything else. I felt great in my body; the endorphins kept my moods level and high; and I slept and ate better and my mental focus was the best it had been in years. I have only just restarted, and I can already sense a difference. I just need to keep the focus and discipline to avoid the traps again.
The hedonistic pleasures are fine, and I still look forward to enjoying them greatly. But only when I take them and grab them for myself. Not when they are offered with a smile, wink and because it is the easy option. The sweetest fruit is that at the top of the tree that you have to climb and reach for, not the ones laying in easy reach on the ground. And the pursuit is often it's own reward.
