Blargh on the holidays

Dreary days. It has been some really odd weather the last few days. Overcast and no sun for almost 2 weeks now. It is really starting to wear on me, I think. It has added a dark tint to thoughts and thinking about the upcoming holiday.

This one is going to be tough. My girl is going back to her mom's for a week over the holiday and I have my kids off and on during that time taking them back to their mother on Christmas Day. My thoughts have gotten melancholy especially when I think of last Christmas and how badly that experience affected me and our relationship. Having had a lot of time pass since then, I think there was a great combination of things that combined to worsen my thoughts on it.

The fact that I had okayed an interaction that was enjoyed, I was more than fine with. But when I found out things were done that I had not been informed would happen I was upset. They were the parts she was surprised were approved and almost ended the scene over but continued because she assumed I had consented to them. I was angry they had been done without my being informed as well. I probably would have given my okay if I had known about them, but the fact they were done and were probably the most physically dangerous aspect of the scene really upset me. I think the piece that really did the most damage, however, was her defense of the act as being okay because she trusted him, nothing bad had happened, and that he didn't okay it because he probably assumed that I would infer it would happen because he uses it in those types of scenes. That part really stabbed me in the gut. Not the trust, because I can't control who she trusts, but the fact she defended him and saw nothing really wrong even though he had gone against my wishes and broken the trust that I had given him by me as her dominant.

At the time it was impactful, but I think the undercurrent of that continued on and partly undermined the D/s relationship going forward. It took looking back this week to see just how much of an impact that had on me and our relationship. I lost something pretty important that I am struggling to pin down. Partly trust that my wishes were paramount, partly the continued blind trust she puts in him even though he has broken my trust several times in the past, or at least stretched it to as far as it could be stretched. And a big part of it was excusing the behavior and defending him because "that's the way he is."

So these thoughts on top of spending the holiday alone, Christmas gifts getting delivered to the wrong address and possibly not being found, the weather, an important (to me) piece of jewelry breaking, and the lack of knowledge I have about her plans for the next week are combining to create quite a negative thought pattern. I would say at least I have a break from work coming up, but that just means I will have less things to keep me busy and distracted.

Science, I could really use a night of beating someone.