It's not what's done wrong, but what's not done at all

Even though I am pretty competent at the things I try to do, I screw up. A lot. Especially at the beginning, most definitely when it is something that is new to me. We call this learning. Usually, I am very good at learning new things and catch on pretty quickly. There are some areas though that, for some reason, I don't. I can't always predict which areas of life or kink those will be either. And it has virtually nothing to do with my interest in doing it. Whether it is a mental block, fatigue, eye-hand coordination, or some combination of all of those and perhaps others I struggle.

When it is just me, or something that just affects me, I have no problem trying over and over again until I work through whatever I am not succeeding in, or if I do not really have a great interest in it I just quit and move on to something else. A couple of examples: Video games..I am pretty good at strategy and world-building games but am horrible at first person shooters or any game that requires a rapid sequence of buttons or toggles to be pressed in just the right order or at just the right time. Eye-hand coordination is not my forte. So, I don't play the latter and get great pleasure from the former. In kink, it would be rope. I love rope. I run into the same issues with eye-hand coordination as I do with video games. But, I enjoy it enough that I am willing to keep trying and tying over and over again until I can get the ties and knots to work and build enough muscle memory and coordination to overcome my lack of natural talent in that area. It can be frustrating when others learn faster, but not enough to completely discourage me.

When it involves my interaction with others however, those failures loom in my mind. They shake my confidence and self-center and can be crippling if there are a few (or several) in a row. If a scene doesn't go as planned, if I cause pain in a way that wasn't intended, or a scene gets ended early; it weighs on me. It makes me hesitant to try again, to get back on the horse as they say. It is a negative feedback loop that is very hard for me to shake myself out of at times.

However, there are worse things that I do. Even if a scene doesn't go perfectly or gets ended early, it was still a scene. There was probably still some enjoyment, some success in the attempt. Where I truly fail is the intentions. I hint at or say I may do things, sometimes playfully, often without thinking. Or worse, say I intend to so something and then the time arrives and for some reason or other do not follow through. Sometimes the occasion is overwhelming and I should have known ahead of time there would be too many things going on. Other times I am tired or mentally drained and know it would not go as planned (and knowing my anathema to failure it seems better to not try than try and have a good chance of limited success). And, every once in a while, I just forget.

That is the real power exchange killer. The build-up with no follow through. On occasion it would be okay, especially if there was a concrete time set to follow-up on it. Too often and it makes it difficult to trust that what is said will be acted upon. Consistency with intent is key. Don't say it unless you mean it, and if you mean it make damn sure you do it. There is no partial credit, there are no ribbons for participation; but showing up and putting in some effort at least shows you intended to do it much better than not trying at all.