You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

The other day I had a rather great milestone that I had been looking forward to occurring for the better part of 6 months. I signed a lease with my wonderful partner and for the first time in our 2 year relationship (nearly one as primary partners) we will truly be living under the same roof. This has come about despite misgivings, questions by some friends, and the fact that I have children from a previous relationship that will be spending a significant amount of time with us and she never wants to have or ever imagined she would be living with kids. I was a little bit nervous, but mainly excited about the new place that we had found and at one point thought we had lost to another renter.

When that was finished we cooked a nice meal at her place and enjoyed a couple bottles of wine while eating and then I had an online meeting for a little over an hour. We started into a third bottle and began discussing some things...her upcoming date with a new guy she was excited about, rope group, and then for some reason I brought up our lased D/s and the thoughts on it coming back and the work we had been doing on it. I was getting frustrated because it seemed like the conversation was going in circles and was just a rehash of the same discussion we had the last couple times. This was partly due, I'm sure to some clouded thinking because after three bottles of wine split between two people in a 2 hour span who is really thinking clearly? Then it was like someone flipped a switch and I was done. I was angry at the frustration, angry that the conversation was going nowhere and angry that suddenly I felt like I had gone from pleasantly drinking to having had too much and intoxicated. Blargh. It was so bad, I got up walked into the bedroom and announced I was going to bed. I responded to her timid "Do you want me to join you?" with an of course if you want...but I knew I was just going to be asleep in very short order.

Slept restlessly and awoke after about 5 hours of sleep at a little after 4 in the morning and was furious. Angry at myself. Still angry about the inability to grasp a thought or idea that she thought was over-explained and should be brilliantly clear and I couldn't grasp. Angry that this thing which I could see and seemingly understand could not be grasped in a quantifiable way. I was angry that I couldn't get back to sleep. Angry at myself for my mixed feelings about my partner's date and the message she received that it might be cancelled. Angry that I had been awoken by my pillow being pulled on even though she was completely asleep.

I got out of bed after 2 hours of laying there getting angrier and angrier because of the negative feedback loop.  I took a shower, drank some coffee and began getting dressed. I stopped and tried to figure out what was really making me so angry. And realized that this was not helping. We have a little ritual. Not a big one, not a protocol, not D/s. I wake before her nearly always. When my alarm goes off, it wakes her up and she cuddles into my side and rests her head on my shoulder and I just snuggle her close until her alarm goes off about a half hour later to wake her up. When it is just the two of us, we rarely miss it unless one of us needs to be at work incredibly early, and even then we try to do it for at least a few minutes. And here I was out of bed and already showered and had shut my alarm off before it sounded. And I was still angry. She woke up when her alarm went off and realized I wasn't in bed. Knowing something was wrong she asked where I went. I crawled back into bed and held her but she could tell I was tense.

I tried to explain and in free flowing spurts told her how I was angry and everything seemed to be adding to it. I just held her and stroked her hair while I did this. It helped. It was the switch that allowed me to begin getting past the anger and move on. I wasn't myself when I left for work, but I was out of the negative loop and getting back to it. Even though she just listened, it was more than enough. Is it any wonder I love her more than any other?

I can't wait to truly start our life together.