This last year, short of having major medical issues with myself or a loved one, has been one of the worst a person could have. Financial, filial, and familial...if it could go wrong it has. These have been balanced against some really excellent high points as well. But, there are times when the bad outweighs the good. Couple this with sacrificing things that I should never sacrifice because of lack of times really clouds my judgement. It also can lead me to what I can only call minor depression or temporary despair. I make really stupid judgments in times like this. I say what I think and mean at the time, but if my mind was clear and thoughts weren't so down I would never actually seriously consider.
I think I need a cooling off period before/between discussions. A chance to say what is on my mind, but a few days to make sure that is what I really want/mean before a decision is made. Especially when it comes to relationship matters/negotiations/beginnings and endings. I made a really stupid mistake with a decision this weekend, that I would give damn near anything to have back. It should never have happened. At the time it was said and done, it was the truth. And it probably still is. But the wound is deep, throbbing and a constant reminder.
I should never have been in the position to begin with. I am a better person when I take care of myself first. We all are, actually. But, as many of us do, I put others and other things before taking care of what I am beginning to see as an actual need for myself. Sacrificing time that I should be putting to myself for the benefit of my job, side business, exes, and current relationships. Sure, those things needed to be done. The time was not ill-spent. But, had I kept the time for myself these last several months I would have been much better off. Some of those things maybe would have slipped a little bit, but the fact that I would have been personally better would have allowed me to make better decisions and deal with repercussions much more reliably.
I need to learn to say no to others better. Or at least to say I need to do this first, then I will see about you. Exercise is the key for me. I spent the better part of two years getting myself into shape for the first time in my life a few years ago. I was in better physical shape than I ever had been, which in turn helped me be sharper mentally, and better able to deal with many different transitions emotionally. In the last year I have sacrificed my exercise time to run errands, make sure I had more time for work, did this "urgent" thing for work, spend time with my girl. Looking back all of things would have been done. Some would have been a little late, true, but I would have been better prepared to get back ahead of them if I was at my best. And I may have had a little less time with my loved ones, but the quality of the time would have been so much better. I would have had more energy, been happier, and less prone to self-doubt.
Do what it is needed to take care of yourself first, then your energy is better spent with others after. There is nothing that cannot wait. And things will be better for it.
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