Coffee is life

Saturday morning without the kids around is a time for relaxing and often cuddles. I had woken up early like I usually do, or at least lately. I had gone out to get on the computer to kill time until my girl woke up for the day and she had woken up shortly after I. She was not ready to get up for the day and was going back to bed. I went with her to choose and get her back to sleep.

We had been laying there got a few minutes and she was headed back to sleep. She sat up suddenly and got out of bed, surprising me. I was unsure what was going on as she usually heads to sleep and there was nothing urgent. Shortly after I heard the coffee pot getting filled. She hadn't gotten my coffee ready the night before because we were planning on sleeping in. Coffee is her service that she always does for me regardless of if we are in an active power exchange. She gets actively upset if I make the coffee unless she is ill or incapacitated in some way. I have even noticed she gets a little upset if I have prepared my coffee pot for the next morning and she arrives unexpectedly to stay over.

Thinking of this and being so concerned about making sure I had this little comfort waiting for me is one of the things that makes this girl so special. And so loved. And one of the reasons I am striving to restore a dynamic for us so she can feel comfortable in service, or more appropriately, so I am more comfortable in receiving it.

The journey continues

Have had a really good couple of weeks. Some legal matters have been finalized (yay for being legally unmarried, finally!) and preparations are underway to move into a new house with my girl. It will be nice to just have a home to go to, rather than spending time going between two different places.

Have had some good progress on the return of power exchange to our relationship. We have had 4 nights of D/s in the last two weeks, and bits of it are seeping over even into the days we aren't "officially" doing it. It feels good to be back to feeling more like myself. And the interactions feel more "normal" than a traditional relationship. It always feels a bit like we are trying to force it if we are actively trying to make sure there is no power dynamic going on in our decision making and discussions of mundane items.

Been smoking more cigars, which is nice, but I keep thinking I should slow it down a little bit. It is an expensive habit and feels almost too indulgent. Not a lot of kink going on, but we have done a bit of rough body stuff. (And hair pulling, choking and biting are always a part of our love life.) Discovered a fondness for kicking in my girl. Gets her very wet. My leather shoes have a very nice lustre to them the day after they have been tongue washed following a good round of cunt-kicking. :)

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

The other day I had a rather great milestone that I had been looking forward to occurring for the better part of 6 months. I signed a lease with my wonderful partner and for the first time in our 2 year relationship (nearly one as primary partners) we will truly be living under the same roof. This has come about despite misgivings, questions by some friends, and the fact that I have children from a previous relationship that will be spending a significant amount of time with us and she never wants to have or ever imagined she would be living with kids. I was a little bit nervous, but mainly excited about the new place that we had found and at one point thought we had lost to another renter.

When that was finished we cooked a nice meal at her place and enjoyed a couple bottles of wine while eating and then I had an online meeting for a little over an hour. We started into a third bottle and began discussing some things...her upcoming date with a new guy she was excited about, rope group, and then for some reason I brought up our lased D/s and the thoughts on it coming back and the work we had been doing on it. I was getting frustrated because it seemed like the conversation was going in circles and was just a rehash of the same discussion we had the last couple times. This was partly due, I'm sure to some clouded thinking because after three bottles of wine split between two people in a 2 hour span who is really thinking clearly? Then it was like someone flipped a switch and I was done. I was angry at the frustration, angry that the conversation was going nowhere and angry that suddenly I felt like I had gone from pleasantly drinking to having had too much and intoxicated. Blargh. It was so bad, I got up walked into the bedroom and announced I was going to bed. I responded to her timid "Do you want me to join you?" with an of course if you want...but I knew I was just going to be asleep in very short order.

Slept restlessly and awoke after about 5 hours of sleep at a little after 4 in the morning and was furious. Angry at myself. Still angry about the inability to grasp a thought or idea that she thought was over-explained and should be brilliantly clear and I couldn't grasp. Angry that this thing which I could see and seemingly understand could not be grasped in a quantifiable way. I was angry that I couldn't get back to sleep. Angry at myself for my mixed feelings about my partner's date and the message she received that it might be cancelled. Angry that I had been awoken by my pillow being pulled on even though she was completely asleep.

I got out of bed after 2 hours of laying there getting angrier and angrier because of the negative feedback loop.  I took a shower, drank some coffee and began getting dressed. I stopped and tried to figure out what was really making me so angry. And realized that this was not helping. We have a little ritual. Not a big one, not a protocol, not D/s. I wake before her nearly always. When my alarm goes off, it wakes her up and she cuddles into my side and rests her head on my shoulder and I just snuggle her close until her alarm goes off about a half hour later to wake her up. When it is just the two of us, we rarely miss it unless one of us needs to be at work incredibly early, and even then we try to do it for at least a few minutes. And here I was out of bed and already showered and had shut my alarm off before it sounded. And I was still angry. She woke up when her alarm went off and realized I wasn't in bed. Knowing something was wrong she asked where I went. I crawled back into bed and held her but she could tell I was tense.

I tried to explain and in free flowing spurts told her how I was angry and everything seemed to be adding to it. I just held her and stroked her hair while I did this. It helped. It was the switch that allowed me to begin getting past the anger and move on. I wasn't myself when I left for work, but I was out of the negative loop and getting back to it. Even though she just listened, it was more than enough. Is it any wonder I love her more than any other?

I can't wait to truly start our life together.

Going Away to Find your Home

Took a nice little trip this weekend. Lots of time in the car, lot of time when it was really just us. Great re-connecting. We didn't even have to be talking a lot of the time. Just knowing she was there, I could reach out and squeeze her hand or stroke her thigh. We both really needed this with all of the dynamic issues we had and the thoughts of if/when it could or would be started up again.

Just us. A couple having fun. No kids, no real demands. Sleep in, cuddle, watch TV (or not). Go for a wander in a wonderful city. Enjoy finds of good food, good drink, good smoke and some good kink. Our connectedness had improved over the last couple weeks, but it wasn't until the weekend was drawing to a close, and really some today, that we both (or I at least) realized how far it still hadn't. This weekend really brought that level up.

It was good to have a nice kinky demo with a relaxed atmosphere away from people who knew us (and thought they knew our kinks well). No expectations, no reputations to live up to. Just enjoying a great presentation, smiling, laughing and getting kinky with a group where many people had no ideas of experience levels or what they had ever done (or hadn't). And the demo. Rough play. MMM. There is nothing I find more enjoyable than some hands on rough play. Except maybe rope, but that is very hands on and intimate as well.

There is just something about feeling exactly how their body is responding under your slap, hold, punch, or poke. The minute adjustments, increases in frequency or force. Completely energized (and a bit frustrated...goddamn that was a lot of foreplay with a very long delay before consummation) and put us both in a very happy space.

Hopefully riding this wave for a good long while. :)

The Lure of Hedonism

This summer has been full of more challenges than I think I have ever been faced with in my life. So many things that I thought were headed in a positive direction reversed and went about as badly as they could. I had one real highlight in the summer. The relationship with my girl. And even that had several things go awry. :/

I don't know for certain, but it is entirely possible I was mildly depressed. There were certainly enough things around to cause it. I lacked motivation, and was not nearly my normal self. My exercise routine slipped and a lot of the things I had worked so hard for the last several years started not getting the attention they should have. The reasons for doing so were valid and most troubling, even logical. I have a great girlfriend and many pleasures we enjoy together: wine, hookah, cigars, rope and sex. 

The great hedonistic pleasures of the flesh. The allure was palpable. With all this other stuff going on, why would I want to spend one less minute than necessary with the love of my life doing things we greatly enjoyed doing. Looking back, it was the poisoned apple offered from the Tree. Discipline and self-motivation were the two things I had always had and allowed me to face down any obstacle and reset when things went badly. The only difference this time was the magnitude. I faltered, and was a little afraid. With all the other things going on, the things I was losing, I didn't want to risk losing the best good thing I had. 

And that is the trap. When you don't risk, you don't gain. It was a hard lesson, and an anguishing one mentally. Now it is physically as well. I am just starting over again. The physical helps my mental and emotional. The discipline to do the things I did, being in shape, taking on physical obstacles, helped my focus with everything else. I felt great in my body; the endorphins kept my moods level and high; and I slept and ate better and my mental focus was the best it had been in years. I have only just restarted, and I can already sense a difference. I just need to keep the focus and discipline to avoid the traps again.

The hedonistic pleasures are fine, and I still look forward to enjoying them greatly. But only when I take them and grab them for myself. Not when they are offered with a smile, wink and because it is the easy option. The sweetest fruit is that at the top of the tree that you have to climb and reach for, not the ones laying in easy reach on the ground. And the pursuit is often it's own reward.

Here there be dragons...

Serpents, vipers, the original wyrms of old. Something I thought I had wrapped my head around, gotten over, and put firmly in the past. All evidence tonight says I have not yet slayed that demon.

My thoughts were momentarily stopped today, or this afternoon to be precise. One short sentence. Two words. A name followed by "here". I read it in the text and instantly felt the adrenalin flood into my system. My skin went cold and clammy, the hairs on my neck bristling. How is it that one name immediately kicks in my automatic response? There is a bit of history, to be sure, but that was quite a while ago and a heck of a lot has happened since then.

Normally, I don't get jealous. I have no problem when my girl is out with others. Or plays with others. And I'm not certain this is really jealousy. It kicks in without any thought. I don't want to fight him, attack him, or do anything to him. In my mind, I want to just not get annoyed when I hear his name or hear about things he has done. But my instincts and body are different. And it only kicks in when it is about my girl. When I hear about him with others, it is fine, no problems at all. But when it is her it still triggers my need and desires to protect me and mine.

I don't trust him. At all. She does. And that bothers me. They go back a long time and have been friends, lovers and even former romantic partners. He respects her and her judgment in all things except her choices in boyfriends, with me at the top of the list. He has never respected our relationship and even when she was wearing my collar would only acknowledge it because she did. Or so it seemed to me.

He broke what little trust I had for him the last time she visited him several months ago. It didn't bother her nearly as badly because she trusts him and he followed the rules she had given him. She thinks it was just a miscommunication. I really have trouble believing it. And still haven't gotten completely over it. At the time, I said he would never play with her again as long as she was Mine until he had taken steps to make amends and try to earn back some trust.

But now we are on a break from our power exchange, and she has been needing and wanting it. And more intensely than I had been giving it even before our break. It is the exact type of dynamic that he excels at and they had done and explored before we met and when our relationship was new. So how could I say no? The dynamic is on hold, and saying no to spending time with a friend and getting something she needs and desires seems especially selfish and cruel. But my head has been spiraling in ever widening circles of mayhem, doubt, exasperation, fear, envy and; cruelly, loathing for feeling them in the first place.

So, she is out with a man she likes a lot, with the exact type of dynamic she desires.  Someone who trips every submissive switch she has and usually within minutes has her desiring to submit and falling into their old rules almost without a thought. A man who dislikes me so much he barely acknowledges I'm part of her life, or did for awhile. (Perhaps that has changed, I don't actually know.) Who she has kept as a close friend and has heard all of the struggles, trials and negative things we have been going through the last few months. All her fears and doubts about us and our relationship. And at one of the most vulnerable points in our relationship, shows up in town, unannounced, to surprise her. It surprised both of us. There are real and legitimate reasons for it, and I think perhaps he really did want to just surprise her with his arrival. But I cannot help but recall how I instantly identified his ability to manipulate others, her included, and her often blind spot to his machinations when it comes to her. And I know he would like nothing better than for her to leave me and give him the opportunity to take her.

I am confident in our relationship and our love. But there are so many sacrifices she makes for it. More than anyone could reasonably ask. I know she wishes it were easier, and easier for me to give her the dynamic she needs. And I want to. There is nothing else I have ever wanted more. But I was not in a place to give it to her properly, we both knew it, and our styles are not the same so there will have to be more compromises if we are to make it work. I would change if I could, but it is a slow process and I am still working to reawaken old, long-buried impulses and skills, while trying to repair things that have gone awry.

I hate writing this, but it helps. I know she (you) will read it. I know you know that I love you, I trust you, and want you to know you have done nothing to cause this. I am endeavoring to accept your trust of him and hope that it is enough for me to resolve this conflict with myself towards him. If nothing else, I have to admire his taste in partners.

This is rambling and incomplete, but it is what I have swirling through my thoughts. I am tired of reacting, responding to what is going on. I can only do what I have set out to do and continue moving towards my goal as well as I can, but I am missing intensely calling you mi da'covale and desire greatly to be able to do so again.

*sigh*

Got busy. Got a little lazy. Was on vacation and dealing with stuff. Evidently didn't go fast enough, quick enough, although it seemed time was flying by.

"Power exchange is equality of expectations. Sir." -Maestro Stefanos

At the heart of it, this is where the majority of the issues with power exchange come from. If the expectations of timing, form, format, and many other things aren't in sync, things go out of whack. Even with communication, and being with someone who "gets" me better than nearly anyone I've ever been with, there are still many areas where this is still being discovered. I find something interesting, I start taking about it. Trying to get more info, judge reactions, see if it is with investing time and effort into exploring further. Others investigate on their own to find out and don't bring it up unless they are certain they want to do it. This is a breakdown in communication, a point where expectations are not in line. I don't know how much damage this has done, but more than I want, and perhaps more than can be fixed.

But it is a bit more understanding. And communication. So there is hope. And a motivation.