Here there be dragons...

Serpents, vipers, the original wyrms of old. Something I thought I had wrapped my head around, gotten over, and put firmly in the past. All evidence tonight says I have not yet slayed that demon.

My thoughts were momentarily stopped today, or this afternoon to be precise. One short sentence. Two words. A name followed by "here". I read it in the text and instantly felt the adrenalin flood into my system. My skin went cold and clammy, the hairs on my neck bristling. How is it that one name immediately kicks in my automatic response? There is a bit of history, to be sure, but that was quite a while ago and a heck of a lot has happened since then.

Normally, I don't get jealous. I have no problem when my girl is out with others. Or plays with others. And I'm not certain this is really jealousy. It kicks in without any thought. I don't want to fight him, attack him, or do anything to him. In my mind, I want to just not get annoyed when I hear his name or hear about things he has done. But my instincts and body are different. And it only kicks in when it is about my girl. When I hear about him with others, it is fine, no problems at all. But when it is her it still triggers my need and desires to protect me and mine.

I don't trust him. At all. She does. And that bothers me. They go back a long time and have been friends, lovers and even former romantic partners. He respects her and her judgment in all things except her choices in boyfriends, with me at the top of the list. He has never respected our relationship and even when she was wearing my collar would only acknowledge it because she did. Or so it seemed to me.

He broke what little trust I had for him the last time she visited him several months ago. It didn't bother her nearly as badly because she trusts him and he followed the rules she had given him. She thinks it was just a miscommunication. I really have trouble believing it. And still haven't gotten completely over it. At the time, I said he would never play with her again as long as she was Mine until he had taken steps to make amends and try to earn back some trust.

But now we are on a break from our power exchange, and she has been needing and wanting it. And more intensely than I had been giving it even before our break. It is the exact type of dynamic that he excels at and they had done and explored before we met and when our relationship was new. So how could I say no? The dynamic is on hold, and saying no to spending time with a friend and getting something she needs and desires seems especially selfish and cruel. But my head has been spiraling in ever widening circles of mayhem, doubt, exasperation, fear, envy and; cruelly, loathing for feeling them in the first place.

So, she is out with a man she likes a lot, with the exact type of dynamic she desires.  Someone who trips every submissive switch she has and usually within minutes has her desiring to submit and falling into their old rules almost without a thought. A man who dislikes me so much he barely acknowledges I'm part of her life, or did for awhile. (Perhaps that has changed, I don't actually know.) Who she has kept as a close friend and has heard all of the struggles, trials and negative things we have been going through the last few months. All her fears and doubts about us and our relationship. And at one of the most vulnerable points in our relationship, shows up in town, unannounced, to surprise her. It surprised both of us. There are real and legitimate reasons for it, and I think perhaps he really did want to just surprise her with his arrival. But I cannot help but recall how I instantly identified his ability to manipulate others, her included, and her often blind spot to his machinations when it comes to her. And I know he would like nothing better than for her to leave me and give him the opportunity to take her.

I am confident in our relationship and our love. But there are so many sacrifices she makes for it. More than anyone could reasonably ask. I know she wishes it were easier, and easier for me to give her the dynamic she needs. And I want to. There is nothing else I have ever wanted more. But I was not in a place to give it to her properly, we both knew it, and our styles are not the same so there will have to be more compromises if we are to make it work. I would change if I could, but it is a slow process and I am still working to reawaken old, long-buried impulses and skills, while trying to repair things that have gone awry.

I hate writing this, but it helps. I know she (you) will read it. I know you know that I love you, I trust you, and want you to know you have done nothing to cause this. I am endeavoring to accept your trust of him and hope that it is enough for me to resolve this conflict with myself towards him. If nothing else, I have to admire his taste in partners.

This is rambling and incomplete, but it is what I have swirling through my thoughts. I am tired of reacting, responding to what is going on. I can only do what I have set out to do and continue moving towards my goal as well as I can, but I am missing intensely calling you mi da'covale and desire greatly to be able to do so again.

*sigh*

Got busy. Got a little lazy. Was on vacation and dealing with stuff. Evidently didn't go fast enough, quick enough, although it seemed time was flying by.

"Power exchange is equality of expectations. Sir." -Maestro Stefanos

At the heart of it, this is where the majority of the issues with power exchange come from. If the expectations of timing, form, format, and many other things aren't in sync, things go out of whack. Even with communication, and being with someone who "gets" me better than nearly anyone I've ever been with, there are still many areas where this is still being discovered. I find something interesting, I start taking about it. Trying to get more info, judge reactions, see if it is with investing time and effort into exploring further. Others investigate on their own to find out and don't bring it up unless they are certain they want to do it. This is a breakdown in communication, a point where expectations are not in line. I don't know how much damage this has done, but more than I want, and perhaps more than can be fixed.

But it is a bit more understanding. And communication. So there is hope. And a motivation.

Thy Will Be Done

Willpower. When it comes down to what really happens in power exchange, the will of the dominant overrules the will of the submissive. Either through a desire by the submissive to do so or because the will of the dominant is stronger or a combination of the two. This is obviously a bit simplistic, but it holds true.

When you have an especially strong willed submissive, you often have to prove and re-prove that you have the will, desire, and are deserving to be served.When your willpower flags, the other areas also suffer. If you are asking someone to submit, to execute your desires, they will be hesitant if you don't have the willpower to do the things you have said or indicated you would. This doesn't mean it will all end if you have a flagging moment or two...skip a day at the gym or eat that jelly donut instead of the protein bar for breakfast. But if you do it often, it will definitely impact your ability to lead.

This holds especially true if your desire to enforce an area of the P/E is what flags. These relationships require diligence and hinge upon controlling the actions and behaviors of the submissive, if you lose attention or interest in this they will feel neglected and hurt that you are not performing your role. As mentioned in an earlier post , it often isn't what you do, but what you don't do that ends up hurting the relationship.

If there are things that are impacting your sense of self and your willpower, as can happen due to stress, injury or fatigue; it is important you communicate this to your submissive. Just as you would expect her to communicate with you if there is something that will impair their ability to do the things you ask and require of them. Willpower is key part of motivation and when it is lacking it can be difficult to stay attentive and to do the things you want and need to do.

I recently went through a very large conglomeration of events outside of my P/E that are taking an enormous amount of effort, time and attention to work through. All of this sapped my energy and willpower to do the things for me that were important: exercise, eat right, sleep enough, and pay proper care and attention to my P/E. Things begin to look bleak as you see things you care about not getting done, and it is a massive effort to try to work on getting things back on track. Hopefully while there is still time to repair the damage rather than trying to start over and rebuild completely.

Remember, your will drives the relationship, if it flags the relationship suffers. Stay vigilant and attentive to try and keep it from declining too much.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

This last year, short of having major medical issues with myself or a loved one, has been one of the worst a person could have. Financial, filial, and familial...if it could go wrong it has. These have been balanced against some really excellent high points as well. But, there are times when the bad outweighs the good. Couple this with sacrificing things that I should never sacrifice because of lack of times really clouds my judgement. It also can lead me to what I can only call minor depression or temporary despair. I make really stupid judgments in times like this. I say what I think and mean at the time, but if my mind was clear and thoughts weren't so down I would never actually seriously consider.

I think I need a cooling off period before/between discussions. A chance to say what is on my mind, but a few days to make sure that is what I really want/mean before a decision is made. Especially when it comes to relationship matters/negotiations/beginnings and endings. I made a really stupid mistake with a decision this weekend, that I would give damn near anything to have back. It should never have happened. At the time it was said and done, it was the truth. And it probably still is. But the wound is deep, throbbing and a constant reminder.

I should never have been in the position to begin with. I am a better person when I take care of myself first. We all are, actually. But, as many of us do, I put others and other things before taking care of what I am beginning to see as an actual need for myself. Sacrificing time that I should be putting to myself for the benefit of my job, side business, exes, and current relationships. Sure, those things needed to be done. The time was not ill-spent. But, had I kept the time for myself these last several months I would have been much better off. Some of those things maybe would have slipped a little bit, but the fact that I would have been personally better would have allowed me to make better decisions and deal with repercussions much more reliably.

I need to learn to say no to others better. Or at least to say I need to do this first, then I will see about you. Exercise is the key for me. I spent the better part of two years getting myself into shape for the first time in my life a few years ago. I was in better physical shape than I ever had been, which in turn helped me be sharper mentally, and better able to deal with many different transitions emotionally. In the last year I have sacrificed my exercise time to run errands, make sure I had more time for work, did this "urgent" thing for work, spend time with my girl. Looking back all of things would have been done. Some would have been a little late, true, but I would have been better prepared to get back ahead of them if I was at my best. And I may have had a little less time with my loved ones, but the quality of the time would have been so much better. I would have had more energy, been happier, and less prone to self-doubt.

Do what it is needed to take care of yourself first, then your energy is better spent with others after. There is nothing that cannot wait. And things will be better for it.

It's not what's done wrong, but what's not done at all

Even though I am pretty competent at the things I try to do, I screw up. A lot. Especially at the beginning, most definitely when it is something that is new to me. We call this learning. Usually, I am very good at learning new things and catch on pretty quickly. There are some areas though that, for some reason, I don't. I can't always predict which areas of life or kink those will be either. And it has virtually nothing to do with my interest in doing it. Whether it is a mental block, fatigue, eye-hand coordination, or some combination of all of those and perhaps others I struggle.

When it is just me, or something that just affects me, I have no problem trying over and over again until I work through whatever I am not succeeding in, or if I do not really have a great interest in it I just quit and move on to something else. A couple of examples: Video games..I am pretty good at strategy and world-building games but am horrible at first person shooters or any game that requires a rapid sequence of buttons or toggles to be pressed in just the right order or at just the right time. Eye-hand coordination is not my forte. So, I don't play the latter and get great pleasure from the former. In kink, it would be rope. I love rope. I run into the same issues with eye-hand coordination as I do with video games. But, I enjoy it enough that I am willing to keep trying and tying over and over again until I can get the ties and knots to work and build enough muscle memory and coordination to overcome my lack of natural talent in that area. It can be frustrating when others learn faster, but not enough to completely discourage me.

When it involves my interaction with others however, those failures loom in my mind. They shake my confidence and self-center and can be crippling if there are a few (or several) in a row. If a scene doesn't go as planned, if I cause pain in a way that wasn't intended, or a scene gets ended early; it weighs on me. It makes me hesitant to try again, to get back on the horse as they say. It is a negative feedback loop that is very hard for me to shake myself out of at times.

However, there are worse things that I do. Even if a scene doesn't go perfectly or gets ended early, it was still a scene. There was probably still some enjoyment, some success in the attempt. Where I truly fail is the intentions. I hint at or say I may do things, sometimes playfully, often without thinking. Or worse, say I intend to so something and then the time arrives and for some reason or other do not follow through. Sometimes the occasion is overwhelming and I should have known ahead of time there would be too many things going on. Other times I am tired or mentally drained and know it would not go as planned (and knowing my anathema to failure it seems better to not try than try and have a good chance of limited success). And, every once in a while, I just forget.

That is the real power exchange killer. The build-up with no follow through. On occasion it would be okay, especially if there was a concrete time set to follow-up on it. Too often and it makes it difficult to trust that what is said will be acted upon. Consistency with intent is key. Don't say it unless you mean it, and if you mean it make damn sure you do it. There is no partial credit, there are no ribbons for participation; but showing up and putting in some effort at least shows you intended to do it much better than not trying at all.

Service before self-sufficiency.

One of the key areas of a power exchange relationship is service by the submissive. I enjoy being served, I really do. It is very pleasant to be waited on hand and foot and have things done for me. Having my meals prepared for me, refreshments delivered.

But this is a problem area for me as well. I get great satisfaction from being very self-sufficient and doing as many things as possible myself when I am able to do so. I am in the habit of just doing things. If I am thirsty and not engrossed in something...get up and get a drink from the fridge. This has led to some serious unintentional undermining of the dynamic. How can she serve if there is no service to be delivered?

It is something I struggle with, but now that it has been brought (again) to my attention, I intend to work to rectify this. I trust her. I love her service. If I tell her to do something, I know it will get done. I just have to let go of the impulse to do it myself. Oddly, to me, she provided great examples in discussion this weekend where in a group or among other friends I have very little difficulty in giving it up. I evidently have a habit when out with others or around others of making the request just fine and then getting back to whatever else I was doing, assuming it would be done. Which is as it should be. I just was not consciously aware of how often I did it. Perhaps the distraction of being around others was enough to override the desire to just do it myself. 

I just have to remember to do it when alone. When the service can be appreciated more. We both know I can do it myself. That is part of what makes the service rewarding. By trusting her to get it done as well, or in many cases better, I am allowing her to serve and showing I know she is capable and deserving to do so.

Just one of the many things in my perception that needs constant minding to be aware. She serves by choice, rewarded through that ability to serve, and when I take away the ability/need for service, I diminish the capacity to do so and the power exchange that is needed and desired in the relationship. Continued service is rewarding; but if there is no way to serve, there is no reward.

Starting up (again)

So, I haven't actually recorded anything here for years. Just published some stories recently. (And by recently, I mean 18 months ago). A friend has recently restarted her blog, so I thought I would go ahead and give some of my thoughts here. We shall see how much time I have to put things here. It will probably end up being the random ramblings of the journey in BDSM that I am on. :) Science knows, I could use someplace to put my thoughts so I can start getting some clarity and order at times.