Structure v. Love

"People have to make a choice over what comes first. The problem is when one person has one set of priorities different from the other."-Flagg

I have started listening to archives of the Erotic Awakenings Podcast on the drive in to work since so little of the talk radio in the morning appeals anymore. I am still listening to the very early episodes, and in Episode 10 they are talking with Flagg about many different things, but one part is contracts and power exchange and he said the above quote in the discussion. What is the priority for both parties? When push comes to shove and there is a conflict, will love be chosen over structure or will structure be chosen? His argument and one that I agree with, mostly, is that if one partner values structure over love they will see the actions of the other party as conflicting with what they desire. And vice versa.

I agree with this, but what happens when it begins one way, and it shifts? This is what happened to me over the last year as I began having greater and stronger feelings of love for my girl. She still desired structure and I wanted to give it, but there were so many things outside of our relationship that were taking vast amounts of time and energy to deal with I was uanble to give it the focus that was required. So after a few discussion and finally admitting to myself I was not able to give the power exchange aspects of our relationship the time and attention it needed, I chose to give the focus to our romantic relationship. It was incredibly painful for both of us, and it is something we are still recovering from and may not recover fully. But, I still think it was the best decision at the time and would have resulted in more hurt, anger and disappointment had we not taken a step back.

Things have started to come back in bits and pieces. We have had several successful evenings of power exchange that I am confident we have both enjoyed, appreciated and needed. We are not to the point of going into 24/7 and won't be for a very long time yet, but the interactions don't feel forced and feel like we are slipping back into our "natural" roles. Time will tell if it continues, but there is hope and it is more than fleeting for the first time in a very long while.

Coffee is life

Saturday morning without the kids around is a time for relaxing and often cuddles. I had woken up early like I usually do, or at least lately. I had gone out to get on the computer to kill time until my girl woke up for the day and she had woken up shortly after I. She was not ready to get up for the day and was going back to bed. I went with her to choose and get her back to sleep.

We had been laying there got a few minutes and she was headed back to sleep. She sat up suddenly and got out of bed, surprising me. I was unsure what was going on as she usually heads to sleep and there was nothing urgent. Shortly after I heard the coffee pot getting filled. She hadn't gotten my coffee ready the night before because we were planning on sleeping in. Coffee is her service that she always does for me regardless of if we are in an active power exchange. She gets actively upset if I make the coffee unless she is ill or incapacitated in some way. I have even noticed she gets a little upset if I have prepared my coffee pot for the next morning and she arrives unexpectedly to stay over.

Thinking of this and being so concerned about making sure I had this little comfort waiting for me is one of the things that makes this girl so special. And so loved. And one of the reasons I am striving to restore a dynamic for us so she can feel comfortable in service, or more appropriately, so I am more comfortable in receiving it.

The journey continues

Have had a really good couple of weeks. Some legal matters have been finalized (yay for being legally unmarried, finally!) and preparations are underway to move into a new house with my girl. It will be nice to just have a home to go to, rather than spending time going between two different places.

Have had some good progress on the return of power exchange to our relationship. We have had 4 nights of D/s in the last two weeks, and bits of it are seeping over even into the days we aren't "officially" doing it. It feels good to be back to feeling more like myself. And the interactions feel more "normal" than a traditional relationship. It always feels a bit like we are trying to force it if we are actively trying to make sure there is no power dynamic going on in our decision making and discussions of mundane items.

Been smoking more cigars, which is nice, but I keep thinking I should slow it down a little bit. It is an expensive habit and feels almost too indulgent. Not a lot of kink going on, but we have done a bit of rough body stuff. (And hair pulling, choking and biting are always a part of our love life.) Discovered a fondness for kicking in my girl. Gets her very wet. My leather shoes have a very nice lustre to them the day after they have been tongue washed following a good round of cunt-kicking. :)

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

The other day I had a rather great milestone that I had been looking forward to occurring for the better part of 6 months. I signed a lease with my wonderful partner and for the first time in our 2 year relationship (nearly one as primary partners) we will truly be living under the same roof. This has come about despite misgivings, questions by some friends, and the fact that I have children from a previous relationship that will be spending a significant amount of time with us and she never wants to have or ever imagined she would be living with kids. I was a little bit nervous, but mainly excited about the new place that we had found and at one point thought we had lost to another renter.

When that was finished we cooked a nice meal at her place and enjoyed a couple bottles of wine while eating and then I had an online meeting for a little over an hour. We started into a third bottle and began discussing some things...her upcoming date with a new guy she was excited about, rope group, and then for some reason I brought up our lased D/s and the thoughts on it coming back and the work we had been doing on it. I was getting frustrated because it seemed like the conversation was going in circles and was just a rehash of the same discussion we had the last couple times. This was partly due, I'm sure to some clouded thinking because after three bottles of wine split between two people in a 2 hour span who is really thinking clearly? Then it was like someone flipped a switch and I was done. I was angry at the frustration, angry that the conversation was going nowhere and angry that suddenly I felt like I had gone from pleasantly drinking to having had too much and intoxicated. Blargh. It was so bad, I got up walked into the bedroom and announced I was going to bed. I responded to her timid "Do you want me to join you?" with an of course if you want...but I knew I was just going to be asleep in very short order.

Slept restlessly and awoke after about 5 hours of sleep at a little after 4 in the morning and was furious. Angry at myself. Still angry about the inability to grasp a thought or idea that she thought was over-explained and should be brilliantly clear and I couldn't grasp. Angry that this thing which I could see and seemingly understand could not be grasped in a quantifiable way. I was angry that I couldn't get back to sleep. Angry at myself for my mixed feelings about my partner's date and the message she received that it might be cancelled. Angry that I had been awoken by my pillow being pulled on even though she was completely asleep.

I got out of bed after 2 hours of laying there getting angrier and angrier because of the negative feedback loop.  I took a shower, drank some coffee and began getting dressed. I stopped and tried to figure out what was really making me so angry. And realized that this was not helping. We have a little ritual. Not a big one, not a protocol, not D/s. I wake before her nearly always. When my alarm goes off, it wakes her up and she cuddles into my side and rests her head on my shoulder and I just snuggle her close until her alarm goes off about a half hour later to wake her up. When it is just the two of us, we rarely miss it unless one of us needs to be at work incredibly early, and even then we try to do it for at least a few minutes. And here I was out of bed and already showered and had shut my alarm off before it sounded. And I was still angry. She woke up when her alarm went off and realized I wasn't in bed. Knowing something was wrong she asked where I went. I crawled back into bed and held her but she could tell I was tense.

I tried to explain and in free flowing spurts told her how I was angry and everything seemed to be adding to it. I just held her and stroked her hair while I did this. It helped. It was the switch that allowed me to begin getting past the anger and move on. I wasn't myself when I left for work, but I was out of the negative loop and getting back to it. Even though she just listened, it was more than enough. Is it any wonder I love her more than any other?

I can't wait to truly start our life together.