Introspection

The end of the year has me feeling nostalgic and the changes in relationships around me (and including my own) has me in an introspective mood. I'm a poly/kinky/dominant male, so this will obviously be from that perspective.

This has been a year of complete and total change and fluctuation for me. I hit the lowest of personal lows, but also had some incredible highs. I started out the year in a power exchange relationship with my wonderful partner, lost it (through my own bad decisions and probable minor depression), and now am working to regain it. I had relationships begin to blossom, then stall out. I went to some of the most amazing events and had  the most growth in my kink skills I have ever experienced to this point.

I go into the new year with new starts, second chances and a regained sense of self that has been missing for the better part of a year. The latter, I know, is the biggest contributor to the former ones. I am also blessed with the most supportive partner anyone could ask for. Her belief in me and continued insistence of my desirability have helped build the confidence to put myself out there and pursue new relationships and new opportunities.

Through all the hardships of the year the core of our relationship never left, but it was tested and battered by the storm of emotions around it. The core of all my relationships is trust, honesty and love. In the past I had a relationship that was tested and did not survive the failings of those things. I don't believe even for a second that the relationship failing was all my fault, but I should have done things differently. I betrayed a trust and was dishonest, but did my best to apologize, share my transgressions and try to rebuild the trust. Unfortunately both of us had different ideas about the relationship we wanted and the trust was unable to be restored. The resolution of the formal part of that relationship (even though it was mutually wanted) ended up testing me more than I thought it would. It left me emotionally raw, confidence shaken and wary to trust my own perceptions.

I’m thankful for and to the group of friends I have. The core holds for them as well. Honesty and trust are key for a strong friendship. Those we don’t trust are merely acquaintances. And I do love all my friends. Not romantically for all of them, but I don't personally think you can truly trust someone without opening yourself up to them and loving them in some way. These friends have been there for me. They have shared in these experiences and helped in their way when possible. As I (we) do for them. Some of them have been there from the beginning, some are new, but they all have earned our trust.

I have recently been given another chance to renew the power exchange dynamic with my partner. It is a very big leap of faith for her, and for me as well. I have failed and made so many mistakes in the past. But through communication and holding to that core our romantic relationship is stronger than ever and has enabled us to have the courage to try again. We are both fortunate to be experiencing new relationships and exploring the strengthening and growth of others. Communication is important, but you have to trust that your partner is communicating honestly and with love.

I am most likely not any person's idea of a picture of a dominant. I'm not tall, dark and handsome. I am not physically imposing, don't tend to be outgoing and don't talk at length about the things I am skilled in. I'm sadistic, but don't give off the obvious air of danger that most of these prototypical dominants do. I am unassuming, quiet and reserved. However, I do know myself well and what my strengths and failings are. I am honest, almost brutally so. I give absolute trust to a few people and they know they can trust me. I am slow to trust completely, but when I do trust you it is nearly absolute. I love. Much and generally openly. I have failings as well, and am open about those too.

The week of Christmas was a microcosm of the emotional storm I went through over the course of the year. Because of her absence during the holiday, I had an emotional low so deep it was physically evident to my friends. I also had some very intense and incredible times with new and evolving relationships. These moments served as staccato beats that only emphasized the depth of my love and desires for her. Our intimacy allows us to share ourselves with others even in the midst of redesigning and rebuilding our dynamic. Some of our friends were in need of openness and love and we opened our home, hearth and dungeon to them. We didn't even need to ask each other if it was an imposition (although we did, because, communication duh), it was the right and good thing to do. You help when you can, and we take great comfort and joy in being able to do so for those dear to us.

We communicate a lot. We make mistakes. We have miscommunications, but the fact that we absolutely trust each other and the knowledge that we will own up to our mistakes only strengthens the bonds we have. So even though the last year has been a roller coaster of record-setting proportions, I am more optimistic about the coming year than I have been about nearly any other in my life.

Blargh on the holidays

Dreary days. It has been some really odd weather the last few days. Overcast and no sun for almost 2 weeks now. It is really starting to wear on me, I think. It has added a dark tint to thoughts and thinking about the upcoming holiday.

This one is going to be tough. My girl is going back to her mom's for a week over the holiday and I have my kids off and on during that time taking them back to their mother on Christmas Day. My thoughts have gotten melancholy especially when I think of last Christmas and how badly that experience affected me and our relationship. Having had a lot of time pass since then, I think there was a great combination of things that combined to worsen my thoughts on it.

The fact that I had okayed an interaction that was enjoyed, I was more than fine with. But when I found out things were done that I had not been informed would happen I was upset. They were the parts she was surprised were approved and almost ended the scene over but continued because she assumed I had consented to them. I was angry they had been done without my being informed as well. I probably would have given my okay if I had known about them, but the fact they were done and were probably the most physically dangerous aspect of the scene really upset me. I think the piece that really did the most damage, however, was her defense of the act as being okay because she trusted him, nothing bad had happened, and that he didn't okay it because he probably assumed that I would infer it would happen because he uses it in those types of scenes. That part really stabbed me in the gut. Not the trust, because I can't control who she trusts, but the fact she defended him and saw nothing really wrong even though he had gone against my wishes and broken the trust that I had given him by me as her dominant.

At the time it was impactful, but I think the undercurrent of that continued on and partly undermined the D/s relationship going forward. It took looking back this week to see just how much of an impact that had on me and our relationship. I lost something pretty important that I am struggling to pin down. Partly trust that my wishes were paramount, partly the continued blind trust she puts in him even though he has broken my trust several times in the past, or at least stretched it to as far as it could be stretched. And a big part of it was excusing the behavior and defending him because "that's the way he is."

So these thoughts on top of spending the holiday alone, Christmas gifts getting delivered to the wrong address and possibly not being found, the weather, an important (to me) piece of jewelry breaking, and the lack of knowledge I have about her plans for the next week are combining to create quite a negative thought pattern. I would say at least I have a break from work coming up, but that just means I will have less things to keep me busy and distracted.

Science, I could really use a night of beating someone.